Changing defeat
Hi, and first thanks for making a forum to allow such posts, it is my hope that others will follow suit...if not I have many posts I can share. But this is about changing the mentality many people have about inmates being eternal losers. I hope this helps: This thread is for inmates and loved ones of inmates who feel like their conviction will forever restrict them from ever being productive in their own lives again. I felt like I wanted to try to address something here that affects many inmates...and loved ones alike. It basically boils down to self confidence, but in no way do I act like I have the answer in my hand. But if we can kinda pull some things out, maybe we can get some answers that might help. A grandmother of two grandsons from Florida got my book and sent it to her sons. She emailed me back and thanked me but asked how I was able to conform back into society. One of her grandsons was concerned since he had been away for about 8 years. How does the inmate readjust to society? She said that in his letter he sounded defeated, like it won't really matter since he won't be able to do what he used to do (legally). She said he just sounded like his release may be a problem rather than a happy ending. She asked me how I felt when I was released. So I told her. I felt defeated. Why? Wasn't I free? Couldn't I go do the things I dreamt about when I was locked up? I could watch football, and not worry about count time; I could go to the store and buy as much soda as I wanted, and have a refrigerator to put it in. I could go outside at night and not worry about the yard closing before the sun set down. I could do a million things that I could not do in prison...but I didn't have total freedom. As an inmate, I was (and am) forever marked. People who don't know me will make very quick judgements about me without even taking the time to say one word to me. Life for felons is harder than those without the "mark" on them. Opportunities get slimmer and all you have to rely on is the least society can offer. And as we all know, they are ALWAYS hiring at those fast food joints (no disrespect to any of them...I LOVE fast food!). But when you are in inmate near release, many times there is a fear of going back because it is almost a "setup". Society says, "once a con, always a con"; even prisons believe that. The day I was released at Dan River Prison, the captain said to me, "we'll leave the light on for you", as if he was expecting me back. If ever there was a time to use one of those "Three Stooges" slaps, that would have been a perfect time, even if I did get another 30 days.......I'M JOKING But there is a lot of seriousness here. Many inmates are afraid of what's out there and afraid they won't be able to adjust. No man WANTS to fail, let alone twice. So many times before the release an inmate starts showing some slight signs of anxiety. Note this is not every inmate, but as I said before, no one can speak for every inmate anyway. But from my personal experience I have seen and went through this. So, how do you change it? How do you change a defeated attitude to a more positve one? Can it be done. Well, that question is easy, of COURSE it is. Does that mean every inmate will change...no. That depends on the inmate, and unfortunately it also depends on what society is willing to give that inmate. There might be 1000 different characteristics, but there are two I want to mention; family and dreams. There are obviously more, but I don't want to bore anyone. But I said "family", so let me address that for a second. By "family" I also mean friends as well. One way to change the defeated attitude of an inmate is to have let the inmate know that his family is there for him. Whether it is a huge family or one member, all it takes is one. You must understand, some inmates are happy that they are out of prison,but lost because they don't know where they fit in society. It's going to take a family member or friend to pull that person back into the fold, and let them know that they have someone for them. When I got out, I had the advantage of a family that rallied around me, helping me to get reaccustomed to life as a free soul. It didn't solve all my problems, but it was a huge boost. This is where you are so vital. You have to make sure your loved one does not stay in the dumps emotionally. It's kinda like a roller coaster ride; there is the anxiety of getting out, then the joy of being out, then the reality of what he has to do to make it in the free world (and we're not even talking about probation). He needs someone that can stand beside them and just be in their corner. Again, it won't solve everything, but it is a start. I also mentioned dreams. This is so important, because I think this is the core of self confidence. Without a dream, most of us have no ultimate goal to reach for. What do you want in life? What is your dream? Is it to own a business? Travel to Hawaii (let me in on that!), own your own home? There are so many things out there that are dream-oriented, and ex inmates have to understand that even though there are some limitations, the dreams are still as valid as ever. If I didn't have my dreams in my head, I would have no direction to push me on those days that aren't so good. And felons will have those days, believe me. But the inmate has to plant that dream seed in his head, whatever that may be. I knew a bunch of guys that wanted to go to college; I knew some that wanted to start their own business, some wanted to raise a family. Those guys have dreams and they count too. But many release them, thinking they lost that right to dream. When you do that, you are beating yourself up. If an inmate can "pick his dream back up", he may be on his way to reversing this defeatist attitude, and finding confidence in himself to take his best shot when he is released. I shared some of these things with that wonderful grandmother in Florida, and she told me one of her grandsons wanted to start a small business, and she talked to him about it, letting him know that he can do it if he really wants to and is commited to it. She said her grandson feels much better about his future,and is excited to get out of prison. Now, there is no guarantee that there will be a happy ending, because sometimes things go wrong, but heck, why think that way when you can focus on finding a victory?
Hi, and first thanks for making a forum to allow such posts, it is my hope that others will follow suit...if not I have many posts I can share. But this is about changing the mentality many people have about inmates being eternal losers. I hope this helps: This thread is for inmates and loved ones of inmates who feel like their conviction will forever restrict them from ever being productive in their own lives again. I felt like I wanted to try to address something here that affects many inmates...and loved ones alike. It basically boils down to self confidence, but in no way do I act like I have the answer in my hand. But if we can kinda pull some things out, maybe we can get some answers that might help. A grandmother of two grandsons from Florida got my book and sent it to her sons. She emailed me back and thanked me but asked how I was able to conform back into society. One of her grandsons was concerned since he had been away for about 8 years. How does the inmate readjust to society? She said that in his letter he sounded defeated, like it won't really matter since he won't be able to do what he used to do (legally). She said he just sounded like his release may be a problem rather than a happy ending. She asked me how I felt when I was released. So I told her. I felt defeated. Why? Wasn't I free? Couldn't I go do the things I dreamt about when I was locked up? I could watch football, and not worry about count time; I could go to the store and buy as much soda as I wanted, and have a refrigerator to put it in. I could go outside at night and not worry about the yard closing before the sun set down. I could do a million things that I could not do in prison...but I didn't have total freedom. As an inmate, I was (and am) forever marked. People who don't know me will make very quick judgements about me without even taking the time to say one word to me. Life for felons is harder than those without the "mark" on them. Opportunities get slimmer and all you have to rely on is the least society can offer. And as we all know, they are ALWAYS hiring at those fast food joints (no disrespect to any of them...I LOVE fast food!). But when you are in inmate near release, many times there is a fear of going back because it is almost a "setup". Society says, "once a con, always a con"; even prisons believe that. The day I was released at Dan River Prison, the captain said to me, "we'll leave the light on for you", as if he was expecting me back. If ever there was a time to use one of those "Three Stooges" slaps, that would have been a perfect time, even if I did get another 30 days.......I'M JOKING But there is a lot of seriousness here. Many inmates are afraid of what's out there and afraid they won't be able to adjust. No man WANTS to fail, let alone twice. So many times before the release an inmate starts showing some slight signs of anxiety. Note this is not every inmate, but as I said before, no one can speak for every inmate anyway. But from my personal experience I have seen and went through this. So, how do you change it? How do you change a defeated attitude to a more positve one? Can it be done. Well, that question is easy, of COURSE it is. Does that mean every inmate will change...no. That depends on the inmate, and unfortunately it also depends on what society is willing to give that inmate. There might be 1000 different characteristics, but there are two I want to mention; family and dreams. There are obviously more, but I don't want to bore anyone. But I said "family", so let me address that for a second. By "family" I also mean friends as well. One way to change the defeated attitude of an inmate is to have let the inmate know that his family is there for him. Whether it is a huge family or one member, all it takes is one. You must understand, some inmates are happy that they are out of prison,but lost because they don't know where they fit in society. It's going to take a family member or friend to pull that person back into the fold, and let them know that they have someone for them. When I got out, I had the advantage of a family that rallied around me, helping me to get reaccustomed to life as a free soul. It didn't solve all my problems, but it was a huge boost. This is where you are so vital. You have to make sure your loved one does not stay in the dumps emotionally. It's kinda like a roller coaster ride; there is the anxiety of getting out, then the joy of being out, then the reality of what he has to do to make it in the free world (and we're not even talking about probation). He needs someone that can stand beside them and just be in their corner. Again, it won't solve everything, but it is a start. I also mentioned dreams. This is so important, because I think this is the core of self confidence. Without a dream, most of us have no ultimate goal to reach for. What do you want in life? What is your dream? Is it to own a business? Travel to Hawaii (let me in on that!), own your own home? There are so many things out there that are dream-oriented, and ex inmates have to understand that even though there are some limitations, the dreams are still as valid as ever. If I didn't have my dreams in my head, I would have no direction to push me on those days that aren't so good. And felons will have those days, believe me. But the inmate has to plant that dream seed in his head, whatever that may be. I knew a bunch of guys that wanted to go to college; I knew some that wanted to start their own business, some wanted to raise a family. Those guys have dreams and they count too. But many release them, thinking they lost that right to dream. When you do that, you are beating yourself up. If an inmate can "pick his dream back up", he may be on his way to reversing this defeatist attitude, and finding confidence in himself to take his best shot when he is released. I shared some of these things with that wonderful grandmother in Florida, and she told me one of her grandsons wanted to start a small business, and she talked to him about it, letting him know that he can do it if he really wants to and is commited to it. She said her grandson feels much better about his future,and is excited to get out of prison. Now, there is no guarantee that there will be a happy ending, because sometimes things go wrong, but heck, why think that way when you can focus on finding a victory?